I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
