Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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