I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
