I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
