she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
