the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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