If i could tip my vagina, i would.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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