i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
