I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
