I'm eating all of the evidence.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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