I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
