so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
