I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
