Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
