and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize