I accidentally burped into my bong.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
