I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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