Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
