If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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