She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
