I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
