i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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