I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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