every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
