We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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