I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
