Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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