Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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