Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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