Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
