you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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