I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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