I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
