Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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