Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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