I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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