We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
