Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
