i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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