I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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