drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?