where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
