dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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