Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
