you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
