He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
