I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
