Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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