I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
