Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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