dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize