He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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