ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
