from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
