smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
