Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
