I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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