I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
