Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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