In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
