He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
