it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
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Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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